Contemplation

Of those few troubled beings that happily fool themselves, harboring all possible disbelief in their mortality, I have been quite an ignorant one.

The stuff that kills you is what most of the troubled population advocates the usage of. Mainly because they feel horrible and need to compare themselves with themselves being in an even worse state, so as to feel better about the current one.

Some hundred gazzilion years ago, when I sighed upon the moment that would bypass my short-lived childhood, I made my mind up about what the rest of the population perceives as the feces of the life to come. I only made my mind of about it because it was widely held that there was quite alot of it.

So, I did good, did bad, continued to do both, though amongst other act of vaguely disputed goodness, however, all without minding their consequences. Life is a product, and one might as well consume it, I thought to myself at 9 years of age.

The gist of it then: I have been tricked, annoyingly, in a vaguely disputed manner as well. See, I had made peace with the fact that my consumable human condition is very much consumable and that at any one point in time, a figure, who’s spent a good amount of years of their lives making sure that they have the right facts of human biology while wearing white robes, will come along tell me that I’m either a) healthy and will die in ‘X’ amount of years, where ‘X’ is more or less the amount of years that most of the population of the same age is happily wanting to live up to, or b) diseased and will die sooner than later.

In a  nutshell, I could live with being alive, and I could live with being dead.

However, the news that was delivered to me in a vaguely disputed manner was not as ultimate as I had made peace with. “You are at risk of possibly developing … “, and then he continued to utter initials that I didn’t care what they stood for.

At risk!! Possibly!! Words that I allowed myself to use so I can get away with things I have to explain, and they are now used against me in the most horrifying way. The course of my life is already full of uncertainty as it is, and the last thing I would wish for is more of either, life and/or uncertainty, that is.

‘Shit!!’, I said, ‘and how do I live with that?’

Silly Face: There’s been a good change in my life recently, well, that is rather will have been a good change in my life. Some of those who found themeselves around me found themselves cheery or indifferent or sadly full of envy. There are, though, still a numbered few, whom I ought to have shared the news with.

However, most I believe would rather hear the news before throwing arms around me, a couple are out of the country and would not appreciate the physical limitation of distance, and one whom I only manage to dial their number but never been able to push that damn ‘call’ button. Never mind the news, you’ll probably hear it from someone closer than I to you before you hear it from myself.

Lost Face:I sometimes pretend to be a complete idiot, so as to amuse myself. Sometimes I don’t need to pretend to be an idiot because I sometimes do what idiots do.

Perhaps you’d care to take the previous two sentences as an example, or perhaps you’d rather validate this idea by knowing that I have let myself, yet again, fall into an impossible situation of boy being meeting girl being under peculiar circumstances and complicated near futures whereby neither one of us can bring him/her self to a less complicated state of affairs.

Brave Face: Change, I recently sought in my recent daily life, and a shuffle and a cut I rather got. So, I find myself spliting and doubling and matching and only sometimes I risk it, only to find that almost often playing the wrong game.

Sometimes I get friendly players who let me off without a warning. Other times I don’t even get a warning.

Deciding a career path never left me with an easy mind, even though I’m easily interested in new things and can quite easily pick up a new skill.

Recently I’ve been trying to get appointments for job interviews, and I managed to interest two organizations of diverse functions.

At Zain Telecom, I was interviewed for a Customer Service Rep. (i.e. a call centre minion) who you would call to scold and whine about your mobile service. Needless to say, it was the typical interview of asking grand questions of “How has your studying (psychology) affected the way you go about things?” and “Why do you want to work with us?” which even the interviewers don’t know the right answer (if exists) of anyway.
I was told that I will be contacted if shortlisted and selected, however, I was also politely dismissed because of my English being “too good” and my Arabic being “too bad” (irony? anyone?).

A week or so after (that being yesterday), I had another interview, but with programme coordinators from the RSCI. Unconventionally, the interview was held at the Grand Mercure’s foyer. There was none of the scripted questions, and instead, they asked me of the skills I have, what I can offer, prepared to do, and most of all, if I mind travelling. “I don’t mind not staying!!” I, so enthusiastically, replied to the last part.
Though, what made my day was their last comment. “For a 23 year old, you certainly have an impressive CV” they said, thanked me, and left me with a huge smile on my face.

So, leaving the story at that, a simple question I was always asked in interviews always puzzled me; of all the things that I’ve accomplished, I do not really know which I am most proud of. It doesn’t feel as much of pride as it feels of ambition and infinite drive. Pride is almost not an issue of concern, for I don’t do well with self-glorification anyway.