Contemplation

Of those few troubled beings that happily fool themselves, harboring all possible disbelief in their mortality, I have been quite an ignorant one.

The stuff that kills you is what most of the troubled population advocates the usage of. Mainly because they feel horrible and need to compare themselves with themselves being in an even worse state, so as to feel better about the current one.

Some hundred gazzilion years ago, when I sighed upon the moment that would bypass my short-lived childhood, I made my mind up about what the rest of the population perceives as the feces of the life to come. I only made my mind of about it because it was widely held that there was quite alot of it.

So, I did good, did bad, continued to do both, though amongst other act of vaguely disputed goodness, however, all without minding their consequences. Life is a product, and one might as well consume it, I thought to myself at 9 years of age.

The gist of it then: I have been tricked, annoyingly, in a vaguely disputed manner as well. See, I had made peace with the fact that my consumable human condition is very much consumable and that at any one point in time, a figure, who’s spent a good amount of years of their lives making sure that they have the right facts of human biology while wearing white robes, will come along tell me that I’m either a) healthy and will die in ‘X’ amount of years, where ‘X’ is more or less the amount of years that most of the population of the same age is happily wanting to live up to, or b) diseased and will die sooner than later.

In a  nutshell, I could live with being alive, and I could live with being dead.

However, the news that was delivered to me in a vaguely disputed manner was not as ultimate as I had made peace with. “You are at risk of possibly developing … “, and then he continued to utter initials that I didn’t care what they stood for.

At risk!! Possibly!! Words that I allowed myself to use so I can get away with things I have to explain, and they are now used against me in the most horrifying way. The course of my life is already full of uncertainty as it is, and the last thing I would wish for is more of either, life and/or uncertainty, that is.

‘Shit!!’, I said, ‘and how do I live with that?’