Contemplation

Dreams and fantasies of a getaway from where everything else is have always been appealing. To leave the old world, the modern city life, and head to a world of unset rules, waiting to be shaped and molded into a unique, unnecessarily perfect, and often flawed ones; much like what this world has, only different.

I had previously thought that I would be required to travel a great deal of distance, and probably time as well, to reach such place. However, these proved to be unnecessary, and changing one’s mindset had done the trick. Still, where intent to change was sought, it never occurred, and it had been forced instead.

That was when I had almost lost my life in an incidental near-accident; a near car crash, because of a nearly unstable person, who was nearly verging on insanity, nearly regaining control of his soon-swerving-soon-mid-air-flying car, and nearly missing mine. His nearly fainting headlights had nearly flickered away, and my nearly lost innocence was nearly found. I drove. He crashed. A big part of him survived that dawn. A big part of me did not.

Always did they dwell on the idea of how one’s whole life flashes before one’s eyes, instantly, and how one’s future would be painted with beautiful colors of gratitude. Far from that, to me, my world never stopped but I did, not merely being stuck in a moment, but it had ended altogether. This, it had not struck my world but it struck me.

That morning, I had found myself burning up, nauseous, and almost but not entirely consumed by the fact that the change I had been seeking was forced upon me. For a moment or two I had been interrupted by thoughts that I would tend to dwell on a day before, however, they would soon fade into my shocked mind.

I had stayed in the next day, locked myself in, trying to make sense of something and anything. It puzzled me why my logic seemed flaky, and why I had to find reasons to rationalize some thoughts that had already been considered to follow common sense. This was frustrating, specially for someone who has grown up a scientist. Quite unsettling it was to find myself searching for seemingly alternative facts that support seemingly vague conclusions. I had realized then that I was creating a different world around me.

Now, time feels bulky, seconds came only in minutes and minutes only came in hours. However, days only broke down to mornings, afternoons, and evenings. To-day was day-1, and to-morrow will also be so. It is challenging to finish some jobs that had been put on-hold a couple of weeks ago, difficult to relate to relationships that had been formed recently, and somewhat confusing to plug back into reality after spacing out so frequently every now and then.

Fragile and tender it feels, though, with a sweeter hint of freedom. No longer overwhelmed with questions and answers and beginnings and ends, the journey seems to have captivated me.